The sun shone hot down on the little suburb, and Original Beef Jerky stretched and yawned as he rolled out of bed and took a deep breath to greet the new day. He could see sunlight streaming through the windows and thought for a moment he might have overslept. A glance at the clock told him he was okay, though. It was just shaping up to be a very, very hot day. He sighed. He enjoyed the heat but he also enjoyed the cold. “Well,” he said to the clock. “Looks like another wonderful day.”
The clock didn’t answer and that was okay by him. He’d greeted the clock every morning for as long as he could remember and the clock never answered. That was fine. He walked over to the mirror and checked to make sure he didn’t look dry or brittle. He realized it was a bit vain but he was very proud of the fact that he was tender despite his nature. He’d met someone who also called himself an original and he’d had to bite his tongue out of politeness. The other guy looked like a piece of cardboard painted to look life beef. Actually, there was almost nothing about that other guy that looked like beef at all. He was colored a strange and sickly kind of brown.
Original looked to the left. There was nobody looking. He looked to the right. Nobody looked from that direction either. He felt a little silly since he lived alone but it was worth making sure just to not be embarrassed as he flexed his muscles and looked at himself in the mirror. He didn’t look like a brown crayon. He had the reddish color of perfectly cooked steak. Man, he looked juicy! “You are one big piece of beefy goodness,” he said to himself. “The all original guy with plenty of tenderness underneath it all.” Even though nobody watched he still felt a bit of self-consciousness at his vanity. That didn’t keep him from saying, “You’re the best beef jerky available in the world.”
“Is today the day?” he asked his reflection. It didn’t answer. It never did.
He walked from the bedroom to the little kitchen. The coffee was ready to go and he thanked the heavens for whatever guy it was who invented coffee machines with timers. He poured himself a cup and then opened up a lovely little ceramic cow. He loved the ceramic cow because he was beef, made from cow. He loved what was in it and he used a spoon to scoop some of the moist brown stuff into his coffee cup. Brown sugar. He always had it in his coffee because he knew brown sugar was very important for the cure that made him so original.
He didn’t remember being cured but he knew everything that was rubbed onto him to make it happen. He was quite proud of what brought him to his current state, the one and only. The best. Mr. Original. He sipped the coffee and the sweetness of the brown sugar was wonderful. He dropped two slices of bread into his toaster and then reached for another favorite item. It was in a little plastic bottle shaped like a happy bear. When the toast popped up, he slathered it with butter and then let the honey drip down onto it. Sure, the honey used for his cure was powdered but that wasn’t the point. Original had no idea how to get powdered honey in the first place.
Honey. Brown sugar. He smiled proudly even though nobody was there to see him.